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Dealing with Difficult People? Be Prepared With Five Helpful Strategies

by Diane Berenbaum, Senior Vice President, Communico Ltd. - October 5, 2011

Dealing with Difficult People? Be Prepared With Five Helpful Strategies by Diane Berenbaum, Senior Vice President, Communico Ltd.

A recent comment from one of my clients caught me off guard, but got me thinking. She said, with a rather accusatory tone, “I bet you actually like the people you work with. Everyone in my company is so ‘difficult’”! After chuckling a bit and regaining my composure, I had to admit it: I do like the people in my company—every single one of them. I knew that I was lucky to work in a place where people really care about the work and each other, but this was a great reminder of that incredible fact.

But, isn’t everyone difficult at one time or another? Is it really possible to work in a difficult-free zone? What makes someone “difficult” anyway?

What is a Difficult Person?

Ask your associates to describe a difficult person and I bet they won’t hesitate to share a few choice examples. Perhaps you’ll hear some of the following:

 

  • Arrogant types who profess to know it all (and want no help from anyone else, since others are clearly less qualified and worthy)

 

  • Whiners who always see the negative side of things (and are constantly complaining about it)

 

  • Demanding people who want things done faster, neater and more thorough than humanly possible (and will issue threats if their demands are not met)

 

  • Uncooperative types who fail to meet commitments (and will ignore multiple requests, deadlines, or even threats for their participation)

 

  • Inconsistent types who say one thing and do another (and claim they never committed to doing the first thing in the first place)

 

  • Lackadaisical people who don’t seem to care about anything (and don’t take much care with the quality of their work)

Any of these sound familiar? The fact is—anyone who doesn’t behave as we expect can be considered “difficult” and make our lives difficult in the process. Difficult people do exist in just about every workplace.

And, if really pushed, some of us normally pleasant people can flex a side of our personalities that is best left hidden. Yes, many of us have made someone else’s life difficult, whether we realized it not.

What Difficult People Do To Us

Let’s face it; difficult people have a way of bringing us down. An associate complained about a co-worker who rarely followed through on his commitments and frequently missed deadlines. Her response—total frustration (“He drives me crazy!”) and a lack of trust that he will ever come through when she needs him. Chances are she’ll pad the deadlines she gives him or just go elsewhere the next time she needs help.

With whiners, we may want to tell them to quit their belly-aching. And, after a while, we just stop listening to anything they say (even when they are whining about a legitimate concern).


We may feel pushed or threatened when dealing with a demanding person—and decide that leaving the department or the company would be better than facing those unreasonable demands every day.

And, we tend to lose respect and ultimately even ignore those who are inconsistent, uncooperative or lackadaisical.

These responses, while perfectly natural and understandable, don’t always yield the best result. We may miss important information or get so distracted that we lose sight of the task at hand.

In fact, we might become so annoyed and irritable that it affects our behavior, so much so that we are perceived as “difficult” by someone else. And, if we are the difficult person in question, well, you know how others are going to be thinking about us and reacting in return.

Make A Change with Five Helpful Strategies

Everyone comes across difficult people in every aspect of life—our jobs, friendships, and yes, sometimes even our family. We can’t avoid it, but we can do something about it. It takes work, but it is definitely worth the effort.

Here are five ways to approach these situations:

    1. Avoid Labeling or Judging People

If you think you are dealing with a difficult person, you are setting up the conversation to be difficult. Unconsciously, you may put people in categories and then expect them to behave the same way every time. Your self-talk—“Jack is going to complain about anything I suggest. I hate talking with him.”—may actually negatively impact the nature and outcome of the conversation. Resist that temptation to label or judge, even if their behavior

    2. Step Back Before You Respond

Your natural response may be a quick or critical comeback, but stop yourself! That comeback may, in fact, come back to haunt you and cause the conversation to go spiraling downward. Trust that the other person does not mean to be difficult. The more you can separate the behavior from the person, the less likely you’ll be to interpret their behavior as a personal attack. Take time to compose yourself before responding.

    3. Stop Wishing They were Different

How many times have you thought, “If only she would be more responsive or positive or reliable, or whatever differences you wish to see in this difficult person? Well, you’ve probably realized by now that wishing doesn’t work. Stop wasting your precious mental energy on a futile effort. Difficult people are not irritating you on purpose—and the best way to see a change in them is to change your own thinking and behavior.

    4. Use a Learning Mindset Approach

Approach each interaction with an open mind—avoid making decisions or predictions before you start. Really listen to what the other person has to say and remain open to their viewpoint. When people feel your support, they will be more willing to work with you. Practice using this approach with a friend and see if he or she notices a difference. Or, seek help and feedback from someone you trust.

    5. Don’t be a Difficult Person Yourself!

It’s really easy to identify when someone else is being difficult. But, how many times do you look in the mirror and acknowledge that you are the one being difficult? In fact, have you ever been one of the difficult types described earlier in this article, when you were pushed, cajoled or just plain tired? Was anyone thinking of you when they read this article?

Know thyself and recognize what triggers your own responses. Take responsibility for your actions without turning to your “dark side” so that you don’t become the difficult person that others avoid.

By changing our attitude and approach, we gain a wealth of knowledge and feel a whole lot better too. When you apply these strategies, you will also find that others respond differently to you. They’ll sense your support and willingness to listen, and will unconsciously respond differently. Perhaps, they won’t be so difficult after all.

Diane Berenbaum is Senior Vice President of Communico Ltd. (www.communicoltd.com), which provides training/consulting to help organizations deliver great customer experiences. She is also co-author of the book, How to Talk to Customers. She can be reached at 203-226-7117 or diane.berenbaum@communicoltd.com.

 
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